My understanding of influence deepened many years ago while completing my graduate degree in Counselling Psychology at McGill University.

One of the requirements of my final year was to devote three days a week to practice the art of counseling in a recognized institution. I was assigned a position at an alternative high school where students with a history of anything from violent behavior to drug involvement and gang membership were given a final chance to graduate.

Years of service in a leadership role as a facilitator and missionary had somewhat prepared me for this, yet it was still an extremely challenging environment to work in.

Eventually, I developed a strategy that served me well...

When a student came to me for the first time, I offered them my seat at the desk while I took the chair usually occupied by visitors. This gave them easy access to my computer, where they would later complete a personality assessment. 

Offering my seat was an effective first step to lowering their defenses. It was my way of communicating that I didn't see myself as more important or better than them. 

Once the assessment was complete, we'd talk about it. I loved watching their eyes as they read the results, full of wonder, disbelief -  and hope. They were beginning to see themselves in a new way. 

These were kids who had often been neglected or abused. They'd been mistreated by the social system, ostracized from the "normal" school population, and appropriated to a marginalized corner of society.

Most of them didn't know they had value.

They felt seen as they read through their personality description, possibly for the first time.

This strategy was an incredibly effective way to encourage vulnerable conversations. As we explored the impact of the circumstances and events that had brought them to this time and place, I discovered that almost all of them were influencers. Not the social media influencers popular in Instagram or TikTok today, but the kind of influencers described in the dictionary definition.

What is an influencer?

Influencers often march to the beat of their own drum. They are unlikely to succumb to pressure to "go along" or attempt to fit in when it doesn't align with their beliefs or values. This may put them on the margins of society. While most people in any society will do whatever is required to be accepted, influencers buck the trend, placing greater value on authenticity than acceptance.

In high school, this attitude can manifest as immature behavior with no regard for consequences, but at its heart, it is a desire to be autonomous. The students I worked with were independent thinkers categorized by society as troubled but with an enormous capacity to affect others.

Sometimes society doesn't know how to manage influencers, so it rejects them. I see this happen with people in my private practice, students in my classes, and even executive-level professionals in my work as a facilitator. Inventive minds with the courage to question the status quo can face isolation from the majority. This ostracization can be incredibly painful for the influencer and even lead to behavior that is misunderstood or regarded as disruptive.

Are you an influencer?

 You are likely an influencer if one or more of these apply:

• Others look to you for leadership even when you are not in a leadership role.
• Friends come to you for help or advice.
• You are responsible for making the final decision.
• The party doesn't start until you arrive. 😊
• Even though you aren't looking for opportunities to lead, you seem unable to avoid them.

The life of an influencer may be lonely. With others constantly looking to you for guidance, the pressure to lead and the weight of that responsibility can be exhausting and draining.

But as an influencer, you have innate insight into situations, behaviors, and actions that others don't. It seems to originate from the core of who you are, and try as you might, you can't explain why others are drawn to you. It's not a strategy you've developed to get people to listen to you or do what you want. In fact, you probably wish for less influence than more.

You have the gift, so cultivate it!

To be most effective as a leader and influencer, it's crucial to know and understand people, anticipate their needs, and support their dreams. But first, you have to get to know them.

Be observant. Listen to the words people use and be attuned to their non-verbal communication, such as body language, facial expressions, tone, and inflection. Seek to understand what they're trying to communicate and ask for clarity if you need it.

Be inclusive. Respect the diversity of people: cultural values and traditions, unique experiences and circumstances, past and present traumas, and work and social stressors. Understand that we are each unique, and how we respond to life will always differ.

Encourage. Look for the good in others and find ways to highlight and use their strengths. Let them know the impact they make on you and others.

As an influencer, your focus is not on personal gain or accolades. You attract people because you genuinely care about their well-being, and they can feel it.

Sometimes you'll long to only be responsible for yourself and no one else, but instead, you'll attract people and situations that rely on your skills and courage to lead the way. This is your calling, and it's a gift.

Embrace the calling

Your primary responsibility as an influencer is to take care of your mind, body, and spirit first. You won't be an effective leader if you feel depleted and exhausted. Here are some strategies I've used to keep my heart and mind clear on my intentions and values to be most effective for others.

Commit to personal growth.

With the demands placed upon you as an influencer, you must actively pursue personal growth, so you don't feel overwhelmed or depleted. It takes concentrated effort, but it will do wonders for your mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Read books. Attend classes, courses, and retreats. Make time for solitude and reflection.

Be humble.

Surround yourself with people who are good at the things you want to learn. Challenge yourself to look for the lessons in every situation or experience. Try new things: activities, travel destinations, or cuisines.

Don't be afraid to say you don't understand. 

Asking for clarity offers others an opportunity to share their expertise with you. You learn faster and also promote others by recognizing the value of their knowledge or experience.

Admit when you're wrong. 

If you're too proud to admit you're wrong, you're too proud to learn. Mistakes are an integral part of the human experience because they allow you to discover more about yourself and offer ideas on how you could do things differently next time.

Develop habits of integrity. 

Someone once defined integrity as what you do in the dark. Is your behavior the same when no one is watching? With clear intention, choose your behavior and do everything purposefully. You may ruffle a few feathers, but you won't compromise your values.

Understand your purpose.

When others around you tell you what they think you should do with your life, having a clear purpose gives you focus and direction. Know the why behind every decision you make. Stay the course, regardless of what everyone around you thinks or says about it.

Hone your influencing style

In 2012, The Harvard Business Review wrote an article titled, "What's your Influencing Style?"  In the article, they highlight the five most common (and effective) ways to influence people.

Assert

You insist that your ideas are heard, and you aren't afraid to challenge the ideas of others if they don't serve the common goal.

Convince

You use your powers of persuasion to express your ideas and offer logical reasons why they're the best solution.

Negotiate

You look for compromises and make concessions to reach outcomes that satisfy the common goal.

Be the bridge

You build relationships and connect with others through listening, understanding, and promoting collaboration.

Inspire

You encourage and inspire others to work together with a shared purpose and anticipation of what you can accomplish together.

What's your style?

Which one sounds most like you? Do you assert, convince, negotiate, act as a bridge, or inspire?

Often, you'll find you're most comfortable with one or maybe two of these methods, but the goal as an effective influencer and leader is to learn how to use all five as required depending on what approach is needed for a specific situation.

As an influencer, the most important question you can ask yourself is, "What can I do to support and encourage others so that they can feel empowered to show up and deliver their best?"

If you have identified yourself as an influencer, I hope this helps you understand some of the challenges you may have faced in interpersonal relationships. 

As you begin to embrace your role as an influencer, it's essential to learn how to manage that role effectively. And before long, you'll be comfortable with the awareness that...

You were meant to shake things up!