Day-to-day interactions can be complex and sometimes challenging, depending on the relationship dynamics. But if a relationship isn't easy, it might be there to teach you something.

Communication Is an Integral Part of Every Relationship

The foundation of all relationships is communication. Even when you think you're saying nothing (with words), your body language and facial expressions send messages (think RBF). There are subtle nuances in your interaction with others that can sometimes lead to misinterpretation or misunderstanding, but if you can identify these nuances, you'll experience more intuitive and authentic interactions.

Communication 101: The Feedback Loop

Each interaction starts with a message formulated in the mind of the sender, who decides how to package the message to be best received. This is called encoding. The sender may use words, facial expressions, tone, and even actions to communicate the message. Once the sender has encoded the message, it's sent through the communication channel to the receiver. It's through this channel that the message becomes distorted.

 
Distortion occurs when the message passes through the filters of the receiver. The Shannon-Weaver model calls this noise. The filters (or noise) include personal biases, trauma, judgments, insecurities, emotions, cultural or religious beliefs, etc.

Once the message has been sent into the communication channel and passes through the filters of the receiver, the receiver then decodes the message and responds to the sender. The decoding process is pivotal because the receiver is not responding to the message sent but to their perception of the message. This is where misinterpretation and misunderstanding are born. 

We call this process the feedback loop.

When Filters Distort the Message

Once a message is encoded and sent, the sender can no longer control how the message may be interpreted. Even the best intentions can be misconstrued, and previous interactions affect how the message is received. 

Take Matt and Shay, for example. Matt has said derogatory and demeaning comments to Shay for years, and she can't take any more. In therapy, Matt discovers Shay is at a breaking point, and their relationship is hanging by a thread. Desperate to save the marriage, he's determined to communicate love to his wife, so he picks up a beautiful bouquet of her favorite flowers on his way home from work. But, when he presents the flowers, Shay is suspicious and guarded. Matt doesn't typically make these gestures unless he wants something, so she interprets his gesture as insincere and questions his motives.

Matt may have intended to communicate love through action, but the message was understandably distorted in transit.

The Power of Perception

Perception is a critical player in every exchange you have with someone else.

In each of your interactions, a minimum of two perspectives are at play, yours and theirs. And each of your views is influenced by your unique circumstances and experiences. The same two people could have the same conversation in a different setting or on another day and get a completely different message.

This is why it's important to remember that it's not only what you say or do that impacts people but how you make them feel. To communicate well, you must unify intention with language and actions.

How often have you been misunderstood, even when trying to express something positive and powerful?

In every interaction, multiple factors affect how the other person responds to you, like, what kind of day they're having, triggers from their childhood, traumatic experiences they may have endured, or financial circumstances they can't control.

And you have "stuff," too! Your stuff distorts the words and actions of others, making the message you receive different than the one intended.

3 Key Ingredients for Great Communication

There are three key ingredients for honest and transparent communication: trust, patience, and persistence. 

1. Trust. Without trust, your intentions are suspect, creating significant barriers to effective communication. Skillfully choosing your words enhances the clarity of your message and builds trust.

2. Patience. Even more effective than your words is your willingness to listen to understand. Do you let people speak until they're done, or do you interject and cut them off? Are you ignoring them while you plan a response? A great gift you can give someone is listening with equanimity and grace until they are done speaking.

3. Persistence.  If your message is repeatedly misunderstood, it might be time to find a different way to express it, especially if you feel frustrated or defensive. Take a step back and regroup but return to the conversation when you're ready.

6 Common Communication Barriers

1. Attitudes

Our thoughts and beliefs influence our attitudes. If you perceive someone to be less or more important than you, it will drastically affect the way you communicate. Arrogance or insecurity will interfere with the message.

2. Prejudices

When you make judgments about a person, it will influence how you interact with them. You may have expectations about how they will engage with you based on previous interactions with them specifically or with people that remind you of them somehow. Prejudice is based on past perceptions, tainted by the emotions and circumstances of a previous experience, which makes it unreliable and inaccurate and an instant saboteur of collaborative communication.

3. Assumptions

Assumptions set the stage for misunderstanding. Assuming that someone will respond negatively to what you say may change how comfortable you feel initiating a conversation, let alone being honest with them. If you think the response will be positive, but instead, it leads to an unfavorable exchange, you'll be less likely to share with them (and people or situations that remind you of them) in the future.

4. Established cycles of interacting

In relationships with family members, partners, colleagues, and friends – people with whom we interact regularly - we establish fixed ways of relating. We do this because it's unrealistic to restart the relationship every time we see each other. But these established patterns can create a cycle of miscommunication that is magnified as the relationship develops.

For example, collaborative communication is unrealistic if you compete with a co-worker in a game of one-upmanship where neither can let down your guard for fear that the other will take advantage of you.

You may have set patterns of interaction in your romantic relationship. One of you expresses irritability or disappointment, which escalates into a full-blown argument, and ends with silent treatment for days until it blows over. Every time the cycle is repeated, trust in each other is eroded. You're stuck in a loop until somebody does something different.

5. Frames of Reference

We categorize people to save time and effort, creating divisions and distance before we ever engage. We base this on how they dress, where they shop, the kind of car they drive, the sports team they root for, the neighborhood they live in, the school they went to, their career or job, the kind of pets they have, their religious or spiritual beliefs, their spending habits, their vacation destinations, or their drink of choice. We immediately close the door to collaborative communication if their preferences or priorities aren't aligned with ours.

6. Use of Language

Using words to demean, humiliate, chastise, judge, accuse, or shame another person immediately sabotages meaningful communication. Defenses go up, and positive interaction becomes unlikely.

Offensive Communication Tactics (That Never Work)

Using labels: "You're such a deadbeat dad!"
Issuing commands: "Cancel your plans for Saturday. I need the car."
Asking demeaning questions: "Are you always this stupid?"
Making accusations: "Your spending is out of control!"
Using sarcasm: "Yes, I'd love to drive the kids around while you spend the day golfing with your buddies - again!"
Pronouncing judgments: "I don't care what anyone says; if you don't pay for your kids to go to university, you're a selfish parent."
Name-calling: "Only an idiot runs a red light! You deserve that ticket, you moron."

Become a Pro at Listening

The most critical skill of an effective communicator is the ability to listen. You might think you're a good listener, but if you're doing the following, you're not quite there yet.

• Thinking about your reply without listening to what the other person is saying.
• Half-listening for the highlights rather than listening to the entire message.
• Deciding whether the sender is right or wrong before fully hearing and understanding the message.

To be a great listener, you must seek to understand what the speaker is trying to convey rather than just listening to their words. Pay attention to non-verbal cues like eye movements, hand gestures, tone, and inflection.

12 Listening Blocks that Trip up Good Communication Flow

If you find yourself in situations where conversations don't flow, you feel awkward, or people avoid talking to you, it might be because your listening skills need some work. A good communicator understands that listening with the intent to understand creates a strong dynamic for meaningful conversations.

Say Hello to Happy and Healthy Relationships

Communication opens doors and creates opportunities for collaboration. It unites people. It's a skill that anyone can master, but like any skill, it takes practice. Understanding the barriers to meaningful communication and the importance of listening allows you to tweak your daily interactions with people and actively contribute to collaborative conversations. Commit to honing your communication skills and enjoy thriving personal and professional relationships! 

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