Reading Time: 10 Mins

Conflict, at its core, is a struggle to be heard and understood. It's an attempt to balance the power dynamic in the relationship, ultimately creating a safe space for both parties to express themselves. 

Although conflict is often thought to be harmful and damaging to a relationship, it is, in fact, normal and healthy. No relationship is immune to some degree of conflict. To expect peace 24/7 is unrealistic and even harmful to a relationship, as it can lead to repressed feelings and unresolved issues. In reality, arguments allow both parties to communicate their needs, work through differences, and grow as individuals and as a team. 

If you find conflict scary or stressful, you're likely to avoid it at any cost, but unresolved conflict often has devastating consequences. If you want profoundly connected and rock-solid relationships, it's best to view conflict as an invitation to nurture and evolve them.

Resolving conflict constructively, with respect and empathy, is the path toward more profound and meaningful connections.

Who's Calling the Shots in Your Relationship?

Whoever holds the balance of power controls the relationship. If one person is always apologizing or conceding and the other is making demands, it's clear who's running the show. 

Because the power in relationships is not static, conflicts arise when both parties are unwilling to relinquish power.

A bid for power in a relationship is a behavior or action one person uses to assert control or dominance over another. If one person sends a bid for power and the other accepts it without resistance, the sender controls the relationship. The power dynamic has shifted in favor of the sender because the receiver has accepted the sender’s bid for relational control. 

Let's say one partner consistently makes big decisions for the other without consulting them or considering their input, such as deciding on the next vacation destination or keeping close tabs on the household finances. If they don't receive feedback or resistance, they can safely assume they have won the bid for power on that issue.

Bids for power, if used successfully, get the user exactly what they want, whether it's more engagement or attention from their partner or a way out of accepting responsibility for their actions.

Some examples of bids for power:

• Guilt trips
• Withholding compliments
• Silent treatment
• Walking away
• Eye contact (or refusing eye contact)
• Name-calling
• Explosive reactions
• Physical threats
• Mockery and condescension
• Vindictive behavior

These bids for power can damage the relationship, leading to resentment and the slow erosion of trust.

7 Resources Commonly Used in a Bid for Power

1. Special skills or abilities

These may include technical know-how, professional competence, or physical prowess. For instance, a doctor may use their understanding of medicine to command authority over their patients, or an athlete may use physical prowess to outclass rivals. Intellectual, creative, or artistic qualities can also be considered special skills or abilities. These might be applied in a relationship to sway or persuade people.

2. Time

Using time as a bid for power is most effective when a person can make demands, set deadlines, or regulate the speed of interactions. Like when a boss makes tight deadlines, or a parent is strict about bedtime - they're using time as a power move. Time is also used to create pressure or urgency, leaving little or no opportunity for resistance.

3. Expertise

Sometimes people use their skills or knowledge to assert power over others. For example, a tech-savvy colleague might one-up her fellow co-workers, or a financial advisor may try to control the money decisions in a relationship.

4. Personal attractiveness or likeability

Likeability or attractiveness is usually associated with good looks, charm, or great social skills. For example, a charismatic colleague might convince the whole team to do things their way, or an attractive partner might be able to get away with more in a romantic relationship. Although this kind of power is frequently covert and unconscious, it can be one of the more powerful persuasion techniques.

5. Control over rewards and punishments

Another form of power in relationships is control over incentives and penalties, like how a parent might take away privileges if their child misbehaves or how a manager might use bonuses or incentives to improve employee performance. Rewards and punishments can motivate and persuade others in a relationship and can be a powerful tool for achieving goals and maintaining control.

6. Playing on weaknesses

Exploiting weaknesses or insecurities is another way someone might try to gain the upper hand in a relationship, like preying on people who trust easily or using emotional manipulation to play on fears. 

7. Profound conviction

Strictly adhering to your beliefs and values is one of the most significant power sources in relationships. Using profound conviction, you can lead and inspire others and get them on board with your vision. For example, a parent might inspire their child to do well in school by believing in the value of education, or a friend or partner who is more health-conscious than another might motivate and inspire others to make positive changes to their lifestyle. This form of power may be particularly beneficial in partnerships because it gives people a feeling of direction and purpose and enables them to achieve great things together.

Understanding Controlling Behavior

It's tempting to take the reactions or control tactics of others personally, especially when you feel threatened by them or powerless to respond the way you want to.

Because the person with the most resources usually wins the bid for power, resources are constantly being negotiated in every relationship. Power shifts can happen minute to minute or sometimes not for years. Like when a victim of domestic abuse finally gets the courage to leave their abuser or a conflict avoider reaches breaking point and responds assertively, forcing a renegotiation of the terms of the relationship.

Understand that controlling behavior often stems from insecurities and fear. A struggle for control in a relationship is often driven by anxiety or fear of the unknown. When fearful and angry, a person may intentionally create chaos so that only they know what's happening. They may use anger to mask hurt feelings or aggression to hide fear of abandonment or rejection.

Dig deeper to understand what's going on. To effectively navigate bids for power in communication, avoid getting caught up in the power struggle by looking at the relationship from the other person's perspective. Instead of trying to control the conversation's outcome, seek to understand and address the other person's underlying needs and concerns.

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Look beyond triggering tactics to the root of the issue. Instead of blaming or accusing, explore what went wrong and how to fix it.

Learn to recognize the symptoms of anxiety. Anxiety can drive a person to insist on absolute control to feel okay, especially with the people they love and trust the most. They may even do or say cruel things to get a reaction and confirm they have power in the relationship, especially if they feel their emotional safety is threatened.

A highly anxious person will attempt to offload their anxiety onto whoever is closest. The fleeting relief they feel from offloading their fear onto someone else drives them to continue this behavior. This is why it is so important to understand that almost all controlling behavior originates from fear. No matter how hostile a person may seem, their anger and controlling behavior are likely defense mechanisms to protect them from feeling deep pain.

How to Work Through Conflict

Folger, Poole & Stutman propose a differentiation process to work through relationship conflicts in their book, Working Through Conflict: Strategies for Relationships, Groups, and Organizations.

According to the differentiation process outlined in the book, both parties involved in a conflict try to find common ground and understand the other's position. Once able to experience the other side, they vocalize their issues and spend time clarifying their positions, pursuing the reasons behind those positions, and acknowledging their differences. When further escalation seems fruitless, integration begins. Both parties recognize their common ground, explore possible options, and move toward solutions.

Hostility and perceived irreconcilable differences can encourage behavior that escalates uncontrollably into destructive conflict. But fear of escalation and loss of control can cause suppression of the conflict (avoidance) and undermine the relationship through festering emotions.

This differentiation process is vital for constructive conflict resolution. Acknowledging differences and realizing that the conflict isn't going away until it's worked out motivates both parties to get it done. Understanding one another's perspective helps to find a workable solution.

Inflexibility

Inflexibility implies a refusal to move toward solutions, an unwillingness to seek common ground, and a desire to escalate or avoid conflict. For example, one partner may have a job opportunity in a different city, but the other partner is unwilling to move because they don't want to leave their job and family. They may refuse to consider any alternatives or compromise, such as finding a job in the same city, scheduling regular visits back home, or finding a way to maintain a long-distance relationship. Being closed off to compromise and negotiation in this way can lead to escalation. Escalation then leads to increased inflexibility, where positions become more entrenched, and both parties stand to lose. Even the tone of the conflict can change in undesirable ways.

Avoidance

One of the most common ways of dealing with conflict is avoidance. You might avoid conflict because you fear it's an issue that is difficult or impossible to resolve. For instance, two friends may have different preferences for spending time together. One friend might prefer to order in and watch a movie, while the other might like to hit the clubs and stay out til dawn. To prevent conflict, one person may consent to whatever the other wants rather than discussing the situation and trying to find a compromise. Over time, this avoidance could create dissatisfaction and resentment and hinder communication, eventually resulting in the end of the friendship.

Do you avoid or escalate conflict?

Here are some things you might do if you're an avoider:

• Be less and less committed to solving the problem
• Quickly accept whatever solution is proposed
• Limit any discussion of controversial issues
• Tune out
• Allow unresolved issues to keep re-emerging
• Keep discussions focused on "safe" topics that are unlikely to escalate
• Share minimal information
• While you are usually outspoken, you get quiet when you feel like you're in dangerous territory
• Don't make plans to implement a solution
• Ignore the other person's suggestions for resolution

This is what it might look like if you're an escalator:

• Conflicts drag on
• The same arguments happen repeatedly
• When a resolution doesn't happen immediately, you create over-inflated consequences
• You use threats to win arguments
• There's always mounting tension
• Both of you seem to be working hard for a resolution but are getting nowhere
• You name-call and bring up past issues
• You strongly oppose without considering another perspective or alternative
• You give hostile looks or no eye contact
• You use sarcastic humor or inappropriate laughter
• You feel lots of emotion about pointless or trivial issues
  
  

Integration

Integration is a shift in focus from the differences that create the conflict to negotiation and cooperative work. Once the differences are aired, you strive to find a solution that works for everyone. Your focus is now solely on solving the conflict to avoid the negative consequences of escalation or avoidance. Integration ensures both parties are ready to negotiate (no one wants to fight) and seeks a cooperative climate, not a threatening or defensive one.

How to Have Difficult Conversations

Since conflict is inevitable and we have no choice but to work side-by-side with others for the foreseeable future, having conflict resolution skills and strategies is pretty important. Unfortunately, conflict resolution often requires difficult conversations.

It's tempting to avoid difficult conversations if a) you have low self-esteem, b) you feel vulnerable and uneasy while they're happening, or c) you're sensitive to feedback. If the outcome is uncertain or you care deeply about the topic, you might feel uncomfortable and even triggered during these conversations. If you feel resistance in any way to these sometimes uncomfortable conversations, consider it confirmation that you need them. 

Remember, difficult conversations are necessary for resolving conflicts and finding a solution that works for everyone. By actively listening and understanding the other person's perspective and sharing yours, you'll deepen your understanding of one another.

Two central beliefs cause people to avoid difficult conversations.

Belief #1: 

If they avoid the problem or blame me, I'll feel taken advantage of and unimportant, and resentment will build.

Belief #2: 

If they confront the problem, things might get worse, I might be rejected or attacked, and the relationship might suffer.

When having a difficult conversation, it's a good idea to ask open-ended questions like these that encourage honest sharing and give you better insight into where the other person is coming from.

• Can you say a little more about how you see things?
• What information do you have that I don't have?
• How do you see it differently?
• What impact have my actions had on you?
• Can you give me more clarity on why you think this is my fault?
• Were you reacting to something I did?
• How do you feel about all of this?
• Can you tell me more about why this is important to you?
• What would it mean to you if that happened?

Avoid Assumptions, Accusations, and Blame

"I'm right; you're wrong."

When you assume you're right and the other person is wrong, you forget that each of you has a different perception of the relationship and your own interpretations and values that influence your opinions. It's not about what's true but what's important. Like Dr. Phil says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

"You meant to hurt me."

You may feel sure you know another person's intentions, but intentions are complex and invisible, and leaping to conclusions can lead to misunderstandings and broken relationships.

"It's all your fault."

Blame is essentially weaponized denial and creates an imbalance in the relationship by deflecting attention and avoiding responsibility. It results in either/or dichotomies and defensiveness, which distract from figuring out what went wrong and how to fix it.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Feelings are an integral part of difficult conversations. Avoiding talking about them can feel like it saves time and reduces the pressure to acknowledge them, but it makes things worse. Feelings are messy and relative. They are influenced by past experiences and associations and can cloud judgment, which makes them scary and uncomfortable to confront. It takes patience and empathy, but being willing to talk about them helps both people feel safe and seen.

Use Conflict to Create Happy and Healthy Relationships

Difficult conversations force you to see things from another perspective and consider how you might feel if the tables were turned. Do you want to persuade, convince, and get your way? Or do you want to understand, empathize, and work together to find a solution?

Conflicts can be challenging, but we can navigate them successfully with the right mindset and approach. By throwing away assumptions, avoiding the blame game, and getting in touch with our feelings, we can have healing conversations that lead to rock-solid and happy relationships.

Source: Joseph P. Folger, Marshall Scott Poole, Randall K. Stutman, Working through Conflict: Strategies for Relationships, Groups, and Organizations, (Pearson: 2012).